Coming this winter! …. An existential crisis.

Some days I feel like I’m floating aimlessly. Other days I feel like I could live permanently in a dark hole in the ground. And then there are the days when I’m flying high.

When you are a believer and a dreamer, people don’t always see the internal struggle. They often see an unrelenting optimist with an unending stream of hope. They might not recognize that you have to choose belief and hope and to see the best in people. They don’t see that sometimes you lose it all. That there are days and weeks and even months when it all comes crashing down around you, and you’re left in the rubble and crushed remains of your dreams, hopes, and ideals.

I believe that most people (key word = most) have values and morals, that they want better for their families and their communities, and that they don’t desire to harm others. That belief is not steadfast and unwavering.

My belief wavers because I see the doubt in others and that plants seeds of doubt within me. It wavers because I see the world we live in and the dominant narratives being spread. I am not living life blissfully unaware, with my head in the clouds or buried in the sand. However, I know that the loudest voices, the ones we hear the most on the news and on social media, are not always reflective of the majority. They often simply have a larger and higher platform and a megaphone.

I’ve heard from multiple individuals recently that they think there are few people left who “care.” That there’s a dwindling number of people who still hold values and ideals and attempt to stay true to them. Hearing that enough times gives even a believer like me pause. But here’s the thing. Those same people also tell me that they care. That they have values and ideals. That they believe in a better world and that they are trying to do their part to make it so. They just don’t seem to think others do, too.

I start ruminating, or rather spiraling, on this dilemma. Then, while I’m sinking in the quicksand of disbelief and doubt, I see strangers help me with my heavy luggage as I navigate public transportation. I watch people give up their seats for others on the Underground. I hear cashiers and customers exchange kind words. I see colleagues share workloads without being asked. I watch people uplift the words and actions of others and continue to stand up for their shared beliefs. I see people protest in the streets for those they’ve never met and will never know. And the seeds of hope within me that had begun to wither are reinvigorated and start to grow once again.

Ultimately, even when my belief and hope feel lost and I’m spending a day or a week or a month in a dark pit of despair, some part of me always knows that people who care, those with values and morals, are everywhere.